I know from personal experience how important a good sense of humour is to a long-term relationship. My husband of 13 years is a naturally funny man - it was part of his initial attraction for me - and his humour has seen us through the strains that are inevitable in life. Self-deprecation in particular has been shown to be an attractive trait in recent research.

 

One client, Imogen, 38, consulted me about her lack of confidence. She took the little knocks of life harder than most and feared that her new boyfriend Sam, 36, would go off her, as he exuded confidence and had a wonderful gift with humour.

 

Sam would cajole her with the funny side when she had one of her confidence blips about, say, a work issue. He'd always find a tale of how he'd done something far worse than whatever troubled her. Imogen's fear? Sam could laugh her straight into a better mood but she worried that it was hard work for him.

 

I've seen such concern fairly frequently. And it's right for a partner to be aware that they don't always expect the funnier partner to be like a court jester - forever entertaining them when they need a boost. That role could potentially become a burden rather than a pleasure.

 

Imogen needed to learn to stop catastrophising every little hiatus and focus on how many things were so right for her, including Sam. Cognitive strategies helped her to acknowledge all the good in her life and to look for another side to issues apart from the worst side: not necessarily the funny side, but what can be learnt from hurdles and how she gained confidence with her successes.

 

Imogen experimented with thought-challenging whenever a negative or catastrophising thought came to mind. She challenged that little devil on her shoulder (her negative thinking) with a more positive view towards the situation. She repeated this positive thought to herself a number of times to assimilate it.

 

She also tried recollective-rationality, which meant asking herself if she could recall a similar experience that hadn't ended in catastrophe. Again, combating her irrational thinking, and with a positive memory in mind, she could bolster her new view.

 

Imogen also imagined that she was someone else looking at her situation, giving her an unbiased point of view, and corrected hers in light of her observations.

 

This changed the way in which she related to Sam for the better. Imogen now thoroughly enjoyed his sense of humour. But now it was more about being laughed into bed than being laughed out of a bad mood.